Movies/TV's 3R’s 07.12.11: Batman, Jersey Shore, David Hasselhoff, George Lucas, MorePosted by Porfirio Diaz on 07.12.2011From the Batman: Year One trailer and Charlie Sheen getting a Comedy Central Roast to James Spader joining The Office, Vinny’s future with Jersey Shore and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 106 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
Hey everybody! I'm back. Did you miss me? Sorry if I seem to have bailed out on you for the last month. I had to deal with a very unpleasant family emergency back in June. In short: my father is no longer of this world and some time off was undeniably in order. But now that the worst part is over, I can get back to entertaining you, the reader, on more mind-numbing tales of Hollywood drudgery. Did Jeremy Wilson keep you comfortable? He better have. I didn't give him 40 cents on the dollar to have him not please you visually with words and pictures.
But seriously, special thanks to Jeremy for filling in while I was away, especially when it was in short notice. You can read more from him by clicking here to visit his 411 archive or by clicking here to read his latest movie review. Hmm… let's see… you gave Larry Crowne a score of 5.5? High five Jeremy! Whoa, whoa, hold on. You gave Transformers: Dark of the Moon a score of 5? *Rescinds previous high five* I kid. I kid ‘cause I love.
So let's get started shall we?
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Without any further ado, here is...
Possible Adam West to Dark Knight spoiler is unspoilerific, awesome: I guess I can throw out the customary "spoiler alert" card since said spoiler alert is in the title and teaser but you were likely to be spoiled anyway by this and the millions that will follow. Keep in mind that as the anticipation for The Dark Knight Rises grows, so does the birth of vicious Internet rumors. But if the rumor of an Adam West cameo is true, then wonderful! Who didn't love Batman back in the days when Cesar Romero, ZOK, and the Batusi swayed together in a tub of camp? Since those days, fans have been dying for West to appear in one of the modern Batman movie screens. Random pedestrian? Bruce Wayne's father? Gray Ghost?! Sure, let's do all of the above. Anything to see West live on the big screen and not in cartoon form for once.The Dark Knight could be the film that ends decades of unrelenting frustration. But as we know, the Internet is full of fake fakery. Consider the source: a tweet from Floss Magazine, which you might as well sprinkle with a can of salt since that's all there is to take. Darn crazy possible Bat rumors.
Batman: Year One trailer looks fantastic: Oh hai trailer to DC's latest straight-to-DVD animated Batman movie. You lookin' pretty good. I would still need more time to deal with Ben McKenzie as the voice pump for Batman. While it's not fair to compare every Batman voice actor to Kevin Conroy, McKenzie isn't exactly bowling me over. As the great actor Harold Zoid once said, "I said this is a talkie, damnit! You've got to emote more! And you extras, wave your arms and make faces. What is this, a morgue?" But whatever because more Batman cartoons~! Not to mention the DVD will come with a free Catwoman short with Eliza Dushku as the voice of Selina Kyle. Punch drunk awesome.Sons of Anarchy to hassle the Hoff: The Young and the Restless. Knight Rider. Baywatch. And yet David Hasselhoff hasn't been on a more reputable show on television than the one he's about to embark with Sons of Anarchy. Well, maybe the talking car one has to count for something. You may think that anything Hasselhoff shouldn't belong among the hierarchy of the Right category but 1) anything Hasselhoff makes for great theater, and 2) it's the Hoff, once upon a time king of the Internet and of slow motion awareness! Are you excited by this news? I'm excited by this news.Hasselhoff is taking his talents to a television show of pure motorcycle drama excellence, the best motorcycle drama since the TMNT anthropomorphic copycat Biker Mice from Mars. Ya heard me. The former knight in tanning armor will play the role of a former affluent porn star by the delightfully fake porn name of Dondo. While poking fun at Hasselhoff is all that he's good for these days, it'll be hard to imagine Hasselhoff tackling on a serious role in a serious drama, even when the role is that of a Peter North-inspired porn man. Beats the old days of running around with Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra, and Nicole Eggert in sexy lifeguard outfits I guess.
Walking Dead Season 2 promo may be the lying dead, still awesome: Here's an official promo for the upcoming season of AMC's popular zombie brigade The Walking Dead… at least that's what I thought. Turns out the promo is actually a fan-made video with the appearance that it's an official promo for the upcoming season of AMC's popular zombie brigade The Walking Dead… at least that's what I thought again. Turns out people saw this video before an episode of Falling Skies aired on FX. Fan-made or no, still looks neato. And if it looks neato, sounds neato, and tastes neato, then by all logic it's real to me.James Spader to join The Office full-time: Show of hands – who here watched Boston Legal purely because of James Spader and only because of James Spader? I may have. But we don't need to talk about whether or not the previous answer is true – replace Boston Legal with The Watcher and then we'll talk – because James Spader is set to join The Office on a full-time basis next season. Word on the street says Spader was easily the best guest star during Steve Carell's final season. His performance led to negotiations of having him join the Office cast as a prominent character. A deal was reached and a good time was had by all."James will reprise his role as Robert California, this uber-salesman that has a power to convince and manipulate, like a high-class weirdo Jedi warrior," said Paul Lieberstein, one of the series' executive producers and a series regular. "He'll have been hired over the summer as the new manager, but within hours, got himself promoted. Within days, he took over the company. James has an energy that is completely his own, and ‘The Office' has no tools for dealing with this guy. We're thrilled he's joining our cast." - Deadline
What's that noise? Is that anticipation I feel for more Office? Is The Office all of a sudden "Must See TV" again? Why yes it is.
Comedy Central Roast victim #11: Charlie Sheen: Just as we were about to journey onward towards the remaining half of the year without any more Charlie Sheen news, Comedy Central ruined the fun with this announcement: the gnarly bi-winning Vatican assassin warlock will be its next roast victim. He will join an exclusive club that also features Joan Rivers, Donald Trump, Pamela Anderson, and William Shatner. Truly this is a great honor. Now let me just use this space so I can get it all out of my system: F-18, tiger blood, hookers, Adonis DNA, briefcase of cocaine boom can't handle it.Did you like those timely jokes? I hope you did because it's pretty much going to be 90 minutes of it. But a Charlie Sheen roast does sound like fun so I'm hoping for the veteran roastmasters to give these worn-out jokes a little oomph in their stocking. If Comedy Central were smart, they would go dig up Greg Giraldo and give him at least 20 minutes.
We'll be able to find out that age old question - if someone is beyond ridicule, can he still be mocked? - on Saturday, September 10 and will be broadcasted on September 19. That's right. September 19. As in the same date Ashton Kutcher's first episode of Two and a Half Men is set to air. It's going to be fun on the bun.
This Kate Upton commercial sure counts as Movies/TV news to me: Kate Upton is hot, amazing, and really good at using Twitter as an excuse to post self-glamorous cleavage shots. The then-18-just-turned 19-year-old Rookie of the Year… yeah, she's only 19. Look at the picture below. That is the face of a 19 year old. I feel like I need to have my Miranda rights read to me while taking a cold shower even when she is above legal age. But yeah, Twitter pics. Hot. Where is this leading to? Kate signed an endorsement deal with SoBe a while back. For every Tweet about her boobs and cute wordplays came one in the form of an ad about dancing lizards and sugar water. But all that has paid off with the glory hound of all advertisements: her own commercial. Judging from the clear product placed in the commercial, I believe the premise of the ad is that it's okay to have sexual encounters with Kate Upton. Yes? No? Does it matter? Maybe a second viewing is in order. Third… fourth…
Best picture ever? Best picture ever.Patton Oswalt in Crabwalkin': An Oscar contender in every sense of the word. Patton Oswalt's performance shines like a glittery coat of paint. With a fantastic story arc that reaches it pinnacle by the end of the third act and a floodgate of brilliant character development, Crabwalkin' is an all-time classic that'll leave you breathless. Look out Casablanca, you have company.Hmm… Patton's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin. PS: For unlimited fun, hit the "6" key repeatedly.
Vinny makes like banana, splits Jersey Shore forever…: I haven't been following up on my Jersey Shore intake but according to some celebrity website with Internet access, seems like Vinny Guadagnino – best known for being the one normal guido who could pass as a functioning member of our human society – is out the door of MTV's hit reality show for good. As the show is currently filming for their fifth season, the man I favor the most out of the rest of the crew is reportedly "burnt out" and has no desire of returning to the show. MTV so far is staying quiet on the issue but by all accounts Vinny is gone from Jersey Shore.Did you know that Vinny graduated college with a 3.9 GPA and has taken the Law School Admissions Test (LSAT)? Did you know that he also graduated with Latin Honors and that he had planned to go to law school at Harvard or Yale? How about the fact that he was once called "Vincenzo, king of the sandwich"? See, not everyone on the show is a total dumb dumb. But all seem pretty important to mention since I find Vinny to be one of the more likeable members of Jersey Shore's bucket-o-disease troupe, at least as much as one can like someone on an MTV reality show. Not that I'll cry for the loss of the Sandwich King but on a show where the remaining personalities rank from obnoxious to that similar of a 24-hour spastic colon marathon, Vinny will be missed… at least as much as one can miss someone on an MTV reality show.
Meet your future ivy league law student and sandwich king… before turning around and yelling "psyche": I had just finished writing the above blurb when I glanced over to a related article: "Vinny Back in ‘Jersey Shore' House". You just saw the virtual equivalent of someone being pie-faced and that someone is me. I guess in Vinny's mind, "forever" is an ambiguous term, one that means "not forever". Rather than delete everything above, I've decided to leave my shame up with the continued unfazed opinion that Vinny could still be somewhat of a contribution within huma… hey what's this, a telegram for me?Dear Porfirio. Psyche. Psyche psyche psyche. Signed Super-Psyche.
Soooooooooooo… Vinny is back. Huzzah?
R.I.P. Betty White Ford: What can you say about a former first lady woman who made a rehab facility that doubles as Lindsay Lohan's vocation spot? Ford is famous within the gallows of politics but is most renowned for creating the Betty Ford Center, temporary home to people who have stumbled with addiction problems. Robert Downey went there and went out as a better person for it. Liza Minnelli went there too. Well they can't all be winners.Betty Ford passed away at the age of 93 from natural causes, which to me is a fulfilled lifespan. Now her legacy will continue to live on throughout the hallow hallways of the rehab center. She's also responsible for inadvertently creating one of the greatest musical numbers ever. Godspeed Betty.
And the highest-paid actress in Hollywood is...: 
Before everyone starts reaching into their bag for mean spirited horse related comments, take a look at the full list of Hollywood's highest paid actresses according to Forbes done in that stupid slideshow scheme I hate. Wasn't enough to just create a simple list, was it Forbes? Jerk.
1. Angelina Jolie, $30 million
1. (tie) Sarah Jessica Parker, $30 million
2. Jennifer Aniston, $28 million
2. (tie) Reese Witherspoon, $28 million
3. Julia Roberts, $20 million
3. (tie) Kristen Stewart, $20 million
4. Katherine Heigl $19 million
5. Cameron Diaz, $18 million
6. Sandra Bullock, $15 million
7. Meryl Streep, $10 million
Look at that. It's a bunch of actresses you don't like and Cameron Diaz. Yes, I admit it. I'm a fan of hers. So what shut up. Oh, and Meryl Streep as well. She's still the apple of Hollywood's eye. But the fact that Kristen Stewart and Katherine Heigl made the list is annoying. Stewart I can understand belonging on the list because of the growing number of unboyfriended teenage girls running rampant with daddy's money. But what has Katherine Heigl ever done that's even remotely of interest to hit that much paydirt? Don't say Killers or Life as We Know It because I said "of interest". I guess Grey's Anatomy had a swimming pool made of money and Heigl is siphoning all for herself.
Fun fact: the last movie I saw starring any of these women was The Bounty Hunter and that's just awful.
George Lucas hates your free public Star Wars screenings, puppies, kids on lawns, America, etc.: I should be one of the last people ever to contribute in a conference meeting of the Star Wars mind. Check this out: I've only watched three of the six movies through their entirety and one of them happens to be Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. I loved their pod racing screens and every screen involving lightsabers. I think the best entity to ever come out of the Star Wars franchise was Spaceballs and the one Triumph the Insult Comic Dog episode were he goes out ripping on Star Wars fans. As you can tell, I wouldn't make a very good Star Wars rep.But if there's one thing I know about Star War fans, it's that they're an insanely rabid bunch. They dress up as their favorite Star Wars characters, buy every piece of merchandise they could, and occasionally get together for a 13-hour Star Wars screening orgyfest. So when a few fans decided to put together a little event – one that would screen all six Star Wars movies in succession – over 4th of July weekendin in the heart of Brooklyn, it was going to be an event of epic proportion. Drink specials and a costume contest were lined up for the event, and everyone was going to have a good time. Then George Lucas and his team of lawyers found out about it, and immediately sent off a cold cease-and-desist order. "Rub some carbonate on that nerds", says George as he's sitting on a throne upon a large pale of money.
"God forbid a few people in Brooklyn want to get together and watch the movies — that we paid for!" said organizer and self-described "movie geek" Mike DeVito, 32, who was both enraged and saddened that his movie-making hero had fallen to the dark side.The cease and desist order claimed that they couldn't show the films because they were charging admission. But fliers advertising the marathon indicate that the only cost was for drinks at the bar.
The letter also claimed that DeVito's rebel alliance failed to get permission to use the Star Wars logo on its promotional material. - The Brooklyn Paper
Before I discuss the legal issues, I want to say that I side with the organizers on this one. Lucas & Company exists solely because of the dedication that Star War fans - who put countless hours and money into a product they love so dearly –continue to bring in an everyday basis. You'd think Lucas himself would be thrilled to hear about the support these loyal fans have shown by using a weekend to showcase his greatest work. Instead he says "nope shut it down". It just seems like a thing every other coldblooded corporate would do. Lucas is the beach bully and he just kicked down your sand castle, stole your mom, and stuffed giant crabs down your shorts.
All that said, there's a little something called "copyright infringement" that allows Lucas to be well within his rights of being an a**hole. As I understand it, one cannot publicity screen movies without permission from the studio/copyright owner regardless if the event is free or not. The business owner would need to pay a license to showcase those films otherwise it would be all kinds of illegal to show them in the public event. You know those FBI anti-piracy warnings that no one pays attention to at the beginning of every film? Yeah, that applies here. Brush up on it sometime. That sometime is going to be "never", isn't it?
Look at me, I'm swimming in bureaucracy and it stinks! To recap: George Lucas is a callous jerk but he's within reason. The organizers in this situation are at fault. However since I like rooting against the man, I still say it's wRong.
Jack and Jill aka Rated Argh for Pirates F**k You trailer: I've come to a realization that Adam Sandler is the biggest troll in the world. He's trolling everyone by releasing this movie to the public. He is a troll genius, only second behind the Mensa of Troll Tom Brady.
Because everybody wants to see Casey Anthony in porn says no one but Vivid Entertainment: Did you guys know about this Casey Anthony trial? I've been left in the dark until a few weeks ago when a barrel of news monkeys kept throwing their news feces in my general direction and I finally had to stop ogling Kate Upton long enough to notice. If it was that important, it would have shown up in the news section of 411mania or at least in the form of a delicious parody article on The Onion.So Casey killed her daughter (allegedly but come on), juiced the justice system, and is now a woman free to pursue a life of producing more babies she might or might not want after the 10th trimester. According to every moral fiber dancing inside me, she is scum and I hate her. But that won't stop Steve Hirsch, CEO of Vivid Entertainment, from extending his hand (and another particular body part) towards Casey for a chance to work in his adult film company. I'm not sure he realizes that child-killer-turned-porn-star makes for good stimulation. It's like hiring an assassin for your boner. But there are two words that immediately come to mind here: publicity stunt. This is the same dude who offered the financially inept Octomom a $500,000 porn deal as well. Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Vivid Entertainment? Because you're so caring!
At least this time Steve was able to see the forest for the trees before his decency (what's left of it) could go completely bankrupt after receiving a huge negative response to his initial offer. You know it's bad when pornfan doesn't want you. Even Jerry Springer has gone on record saying he wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. They do not fancy your illusions of nude injustice, Steve. They want French maids, foreign exchange students, and memorable television characters from yesteryear accompanied to a simple music riff. So he pulled out after it became "obvious to us that Vivid fans, and people in general, want nothing to do with her and that includes a XXX movie." And that's how an adult film industry served more justice than anything that happened in trial last week.
Pictured: Worst representation of the state of Ohio and duckface everDrunk guy decides trashing Letterman Studio would be fun: James Whittemore began the day as a mild-mannered 22-year-old aspiring actor and ended the day by smashing Ed Suillivan Theater as a result of a drunken binge. He smashed the lobby, front doors, and trash cans of the theater home to The Late Show with David Letterman. His hilarious actions anted up to about $2,000 worth of property damage, and faces charges of burglary and criminal mischief.Sounds like James had a blast. When I was 22, it was nothing but calculus, introduction to economics, and frequent trips to ampm. Man, that was the life.
The NBA decided to follow NFL's brilliant money-making lead by shutting down entire league: No football. No basketball. No fantasy leagues. No fall season fun.FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
So to recap, football is on strike, basketball is on strike, and Saturday Night Live just won't end. That's just the "three strikes you're out" rule that will ruin whatever rationality America has left in its tank. Actually it's already started: several NBA athletes such as Gilbert Arenas have taken up planking – a terrible fad that has killed people before and will kill again - for entertainment purposes (mostly for himself) and one in particular is about to film in a comedy about identical twins separated at birth where one is a prominent psychiatrist and the other is a mental patient and IT STARS CHRIS KATTAN! Granted the athlete in question is former NBA something Desmond Mason but sometimes laughter is the best medicine and this movie is definitely not the cure what ails you.
The film is called Just Crazy Enough by the way. I know you people get a little antsy when I leave out important information like that.
I've been gone. Comments? There are none! So start filling up that comment section so I can have a section to comment comments on. Starting right… now.
Last word: Sports is sports, no matter what gender is represented on the field. That's why I have no problems saying YOU RULE USA WOMEN'S SOCCER TEAM. U-S-A! U-S-A!
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Comments (15)
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Nice Married with Children reference at the end. Posted By: Charles (Guest) on July 11, 2011 at 11:45 PM
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How did any of those chicks make that money? I guess I can understand Jolie, but shes ridiculously overpaid, but studios are paying for all the attention she'll get everytime she does the movie.SJP's money is royalties from Sex and the City, Kristens is from Twilight..the rest..Ive got no clue Posted By: Christi (Guest) on July 11, 2011 at 11:58 PM
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You don't know what the word "trimester" means, do you? Posted By: Heebies (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 06:15 AM
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The problem with the Lucas thing is that he has to enforce his copyrights. If he doesn't then say another organization comes along and does even more, rents an amphitheater, charges admission, whatever... and Lucas tries to stop them because they really are abusing his property, guess what? They can actually cite this event and say "Well, it wasn't important then, so it's not important now." And they can win on that basis alone so for Lucas this is really a matter of necessity and not him being a dick. Posted By: ChErikS (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 08:20 AM
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You don't know what the word "trimester" means, do you?Posted By: Heebies (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 06:15 AM she killed her kid after it was born, hence in the 10+ trimester get some meds for your fucking aspergers will you? Posted By: Guest#9888 (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 09:36 AM
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Someone hurry up and give Sarah Jessica Parker a carrot already Posted By: dw (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 12:41 PM
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You don't know what the word "trimester" means, do you?Posted By: Heebies (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 06:15 AM she killed her kid after it was born, hence in the 10+ trimester get some meds for your fucking aspergers will you? Posted By: Guest#9888 (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 09:36 AM You also do not know what "trimester" means. You do not know what "Aspergers" means either. And thirdly (could that word have something to do with TRImester?), it is "Pail of Money" not "Pale". Posted By: Guest#2481 (Guest) on July 12, 2011 at 04:26 PM
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